CLOUD ATLAS - blah blah balh blha hbal lhba

Um, I know I know—I said Taken 2 was the worst movie of the year but I believe I spoke too soon. Cloud Atlas, somehow, manages to embroil your senses in six parallel narratives without engaging your mind or emotions for three dreadfully long hours. An utter tragedy. 

I had strong inclinations from the get go that this film was probably going to be mediocre at best. It's too bad because there is a lot of talent present. As everyone knows, the Wachowski Brothers were codirecting this film with Tom Tykwer. Both directors have crafted masterpieces. The Wachowski Brothers created the world of The Matrix. The first Matrix movie has one of the best science fiction plots out there. The next two were enlightening in their own way. Speed Racer was actually rather innovative and bracing despite the poor reviews and negative viewer reaction. Anyway, the brothers can direct good cinema. Tom Tykwer is also an exceptional filmmaker. His Run Lola Run, Heaven and Perfume are particular exemplars of his talent. Nearly all the performers in Cloud Atlas have deserved renown and for good reason as well.

So, the combinatorial of persons involved yielded shocking, unwatchable, unpalatable nonsense. It was surprising to me that scene after scene harbored nothing of interest at all. The makeup was silly and unnecessary, the dialogue was puzzling and thoroughly unengaging, the acting was boring and the story was simply nonexistent. Are we all connected? Is reincarnation the way of the natural order of things? Perhaps Yes and Yes. But certainly not in the way this movie (and book) puts forward. Evolution via natural selection confirms that we all (humans, animals, plants—LIFE) are related—all distinct cousins of one another—all connected through RNA and DNA. Death and rebirth seem to be intrinsic in all life and non life from trees and monkeys to stars and galaxies to even possibly universes. However, I need not even say that so far there is absolutely no proof that any of these rebirths are the product of soul transfer or parthenogenesis etc. I love a good laborious mystery but I need to be able enjoy watching it while I dissect it. This film was just an unwelcome challenge to get through. Please save your time and money and skip this horrible illusory snickery trickery.  

 Recommended Viewing: Mulholland Dr. - Lost Highway - 12 Monkeys

              Bob Scale: The Critic: 2.0   -   The Fan: 1.4

             MetaCritic: 55

 Rotten Tomatoes: 62

                    IMDB: 8.4

THE PIRATES! - scalawags, booty, fisticuffs and... Darwin... oh my

Nick Park (Wallace & Gromit, Chicken Run) it isn't but close enough to be thoroughly enjoyable, entertaining and... educational? Awesome for kids and most adults I should think.

Claymation is a wonder to behold on the big screen. Stop motion in the cinema has been with us, arguably, since Muybridge's horses from 1878. It ceases to fascinate me when you think that what you are viewing on screen is 24 still pictures a second and wallah! apparent motion. Somebody is moving the clay, ever so delicately, thousands of times to get the result you see.

The captain pirate of his crew is down on his luck retrieving booty. He wants to be pirate of the year and so sets off to acquire the most gold. After many failed attempts, he lands on none other than the HMS Beagle, Darwin's ship. The captain has a dodo which he believes to be a parrot. Darwin of course notices this and suggests they go to London to show it off to the Royal Society. The queen gets involved who hates pirates and tries to get the extinct dodo bird from the captain to eat with her rich friends. Many evolutionary jokes ensue and skullduggery run amok. Interestingly, in real life, Darwin was in fact part of the Gourmet or Glutton society which did partake in the eating of odd animals.

Kids will be happy and enjoy the fantasy of pirating and adults can appreciate the beautiful animation and subtext of evolution. I'm not sure I like that they made Darwin out to be a bit sinister which could stay with some children but for some it may be their first introduction and how perfect for an array of interesting questions. Nonetheless, the illusory child prodigy of Willis O'Brien, Ray Harryhausen, would be proud of the visual effects in this pirate adventure.

Recommended Viewing: Wallace & Gromit (2005) - Chicken Run - Jason and the Argonauts

              Bob Scale: Objective: 7.0   -   Subjective: 7.6

             MetaCritic: 73

 Rotten Tomatoes: 87

                      IMDB: 7.1